Edition #15
Lisbon, 2011
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“DKANDLE weaves swirling multi-colored vibrant unearthly soundscapes, blending fuzzy and reverberating Shoegaze textures, mesmerizing Dream Pop meditations, sludgy Grungey tones and moody Post-punk strains, heightened with soul-stirring lyricism and pensive emotive vocalizations”
TAGS: drugs, spirituality, philosophy, literature, music
I can't get my consultation with the astrologer out of my head. I think it would have been better if I hadn't gone to her office, you know? She was talking about how I needed to be careful about overdosing... She looked me straight in the eyes and asked, “Do you use drugs?” And there I was, with my pupils suuuper dilated, and there was no way to hide it… I could only nod, feeling quite embarrassed. The part where she said I've been working with music for several lifetimes was interesting. But the part where she said I died from drug abuse in my last life, and that the risk is similar for this current life, that's what worried me. But who knows... What if she's a charlatan? After I saw that TV show with a fake psychic who showed his tactic of asking questions first and then playing the odds based on the answers… I had already told her that I was a musician, and she saw my dilated pupils, so she came up with that story. But then again, what if it's true?... Sandra, my first astrologer, also told me to be careful with drugs. “For God’s sake, Daniel, don’t get involved with drugs!”
Yikes.
Tonight is New Year's Eve. I'm at a party on the rooftop of a friend, Robert, who lives right across from a small beach, in a hidden spot along the shore. We watched the fireworks from the window. The party is lively, but I'm not enjoying it. Withdrawal syndrome makes me irritable.
“Guys, it's time to take down the boat for Iemanjá and launch it into the sea!” Robert called out. “Have everyone written your wishes?”
I hadn't yet. I was unsure whether I should do it. Foolish superstition, I thought. But on the other hand, I decided to allow myself to join in on the fun. Why be so hard on myself? Write it down, it won't hurt!
I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and made a wish. I folded the paper and placed it in the handmade little boat, along with everyone else's wishes. The boat had an image of Iemanjá and several lit candles, as well as the wishes. We all headed down to the beach in front. Robert and his Italian friend, wearing only swim trunks, went into the sea with the boat, which was carried away by a current. And off went our wishes, along with the lit candles whose lights disappeared into the darkness of the sea...
We all returned to the apartment. I went over to the window to see where the boat was. It came back to the beach, and in a single gulp, it was consumed by a wave. I was the only one who witnessed it. I looked for Robert to tell him what I had just seen, but he was so happy, chatting with a circle of friends, that I decided to keep it to myself. I felt a little disturbed, but thinking about it, I guess it doesn’t matter, let it go.
Actually, what I can’t get out of my head is the fact that it's New Year's Eve and everyone is high, except me. I'm fighting not to give in. But it's so hard… Especially today; this day begs for something extra! My God, I don’t think I’m going to resist, the temptation is too strong. Oh, it’s just for today, what’s the problem? I promise I won’t use it again, this is the last one! I’ll call my dealer, he sells it cheaper than anyone else here. I hope he’s still in business.
I met Kid Claude exactly a year ago, at a psy-trance party on Ipanema beach. All I have to do is call, and he brings it to me at our meeting point. i just pay it, and voilà, I have free access to Paradise. It’s that simple. It’s never been so easy to reach Nirvana without having to be a cloistered Buddhist monk in Tibet. It's like a rocket ride: you get in, settle down, and it takes you to the heights. Paradise-on-delivery.
While searching for his number in my phone book, the astrologer pops into my mind. Ah, but today is going to be beautiful! Not a cloud in the sky, and the sun is already starting to peek with its first rays. I think it’s going to be a good trip... It’s irresistible! All right, I’m going to call.
“Hey, Claude! It’s Daniel. Listen, do you still have those party invites?”
“Sure. How many do you want?”
“Two.”
“Alright. Fifteen minutes.”
I head to the little square nearby. That's where we always meet. He arrives before I do. We shake hands, and I discreetly grab two pills.
“So, what's the brand on these?”
“This is XL, really good, a knockout.”
“Oh yeah?...” I asked with a childlike grin.
“Yeah, this one's strong! Just one is already powerful.”
“Cool. Here’s the money, fifty reais, right? Thanks, I’m heading out.”
I’m so excited, I can barely contain myself. Where will I take it? Not at home, my parents are there. The party at Beto’s place is almost over, and I don’t know of any other party. I also don’t want to take it somewhere I’ve already done it, like at Pepino Beach or the Lagoon. Hmm, maybe I'll go somewhere exotic, like Paquetá Island. Yes, that's it! I’ll access Paradise in a Paradise!
Wow, it’s really hot today... It’s not even 9 a.m. yet, and the thermometer already reads 90°F. Great, it’ll be fun to enjoy this with the Sun. I took the subway and got off at Uruguaiana. I’m at the ferry terminal, but the ferry to Paquetá is about to leave, and the gates have just closed!
“Excuse me, what time does the next ferry to Paquetá leave?”
“In two hours.”
“Damn, can I still catch this ferry? It’s still there; I just need to run to catch it.”
“Sorry, the gates are already closed.”
So, now what? I thought about going to Petrópolis; it's beautiful there, but since I’m already at the ferry station, I think I’ll head to Niterói, where there’s a ferry leaving in five minutes.
I'm on the upper deck of the ferry; it's about to leave. There are only a few people around me. I can't wait any longer, I'm going to take it now! By the time the effect kicks in, I'll be arriving on the other side of the bay.
I didn't think twice. I took out a pill and put it in my mouth. I looked around; no one noticed me. I grabbed my water bottle and took a sip. Done, now it’s just a matter of waiting impatiently for about forty minutes.
I'm not thinking about what the astrologer said anymore. My desire to take the pill is stronger than the fear she planted in me. I'll block any attempt for her to appear in my mind. I just want to trip.
When the ferry finally arrived in Niterói, the much-desired effect started to hit. Oh, it feels so good to be in this state of mind! My brain is flooded with indescribable bliss. It's a real orgy of colors. No words could describe the pleasure I'm feeling.
I caught a bus to Icaraí. Now and then, I take a sip of water; it's so humid today. I got off the bus, came to the beach, and decided to sit under this tree.
Damn, that cop is coming over here. Act casual...
“Good morning,” he said mechanically. “Can I see your ID?”
I handed over my ID. He glanced over it quickly.
“What are you doing here?”
“Listening to music and enjoying the view,” I replied emphatically.
He stared at me for about five seconds. Thank God I’m wearing sunglasses. He was about to say something, but his radio made a noise, and a metallic voice started speaking; I didn’t catch it clearly, but it sounded like they were reporting a problem in the city center or something. Then he said, “Be careful; this area is dangerous.” He handed back my ID and left, leaving me alone.
What a buzzkill; it’s got me feeling bad now. I’m shaking. I get really sensitive when I’m in this state; any kind of upset throws me off. Damn, the trip was going so well… I can’t get back to the good vibe. I’ll try to meditate and relax; I think if I make an effort, I can do it.
Okay, it's not working... I need to get out of this; I can’t go on like this! I think I’ll take the other pill.
I was bringing the pill to my mouth when I heard a voice say, “Daniel Thomas, the gates of Paradise are closed to you.” Then an angel dressed in white appeared, accompanied by another angel. I retorted, “Oh, yeah?... I’ll break down the gates and get in anyway. Let’s see you try to stop me!” I swallowed the second pill in one gulp. After a few minutes, the wave hit wonderfully well. “Let me in!” I shouted, kicking the gates, which swung open in one blow. The angels looked on in astonishment but didn’t stop me. “Didn’t I say I’d get in? You can’t stop me from entering here!” One of the angels gazed at me with a sad look. “Your journey will not be free,” he said. “No one comes here without paying a price.” I replied, mocking: “I already paid, it cost me fifty reais. Now leave me alone!” The other angel pulled him by the arm. They left sorrowfully and disappeared, leaving me alone. I don’t care; I’m in the gardens of Eden, and nothing else matters.
Hmm, this music in my ears is divine!... It’s so good to access the higher realms through music. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else! How great it is to live… It’s an absurd happiness. What a wonderful blue sky! And those mountains in Rio, hypnotizing... And these flowers, so beautiful… I’m going for a walk around the area. Look at the Niterói Museum! Oscar Niemeyer was really a genius… I’m going to take some pictures. But let me drink some water; it’s so hot, and my mouth is dry.
I’m starting to sweat a lot; I need to find some shade. I think I’ll go back to the beach; there are some trees there; I’ll sit under one and meditate while listening to music.
Wow, this water is so dirty... It would be great if this beach were clean; it would be even more beautiful here. But that’s okay; it’s good enough as it is. I’ll sit here and keep tripping. I honestly wish I could stay in this state for the rest of my life. It’s a transcendental feeling; I don’t even feel like moving because it feels so good. I know there is a Paradise; I’m in it…
I want to become One with the Universe. I’ll close my eyes and forget the material world. With my eyes closed, I’m transported to the Higher Realms. I allow myself to fly, I fly high and reach other worlds, other galaxies. I merge my soul with this music. I feel eternal and whole. I feel so close to God…
And then, my heart, which had been beating so fast until now, suddenly stopped.
It was like someone squeezed it really hard with their hands, and it exploded, ceasing to function. Yes! Yes! It’s not beating anymore! This is the end of the line, and that’s the only certainty I have. In less than an instant, my spirit realized that it would no longer have my body as its home.
I’m leaving! All I feel at this moment is terror. The thought of my life being cut short for such a silly reason frightens me. Oh, no! I don’t want this! I immediately jumped up from the ground in one move, with all my strength. My will to live (or my fear of dying) is so great that I forced my soul with all its energy to make my heart start beating again.
I commanded my brain forcefully: “Come on, make it work! It’s not time yet! Start beating again!!!”
After five long seconds, which felt like an eternity... my heart started beating again.
I’m really scared. I’m breathing heavily, and my circulation is racing. The music in my ears suddenly turned into a satanic symphony. I ripped the headphones off my head; I need silence now. I look around, I see some fishermen further ahead, but no one has noticed me. What if I die here, right now?... I took another sip of water, I’m sweating a lot. The heat is really intense. My God, what happened to my heart?? I felt something in it; it stopped beating, I swear! Oh, God, forgive me, don’t let me die here! I don’t want to go now, especially not like this.
Slowly, my heart is starting to beat normally again, and I begin to feel an inner peace. Everything has calmed down again, and I feel wonderfully good again. It's because I’m still so high. It’s okay... It’s okay... I think I can enjoy the trip again, before it ends. But it's impossible not to think about what just happened. I think I overheated with all this heat. Was I going to die just now? Or was it just a scare from the angels?
Look at that mountain near downtown Rio, what is that? A fire? No, it’s a very concentrated and bright light, and there’s no smoke; it can’t be a fire. Is it a car? No, the light is too big to be just a car reflection. Compared to the buildings, it's a light bigger than a house. I think it's the angels… They’re making a sign, reminding me of what just happened. A light warning me not to go too far…
The wave started to come down, and I’m returning to a normal state. I feel so tired. Right now, I’m filled with a deep sense of apathy, not even the slightest desire to smile. My serotonin level must be close to zero. I feel awful. A profound sadness has taken hold of me. The drop was very steep, and now I’m in an abyss, struggling to climb back up to the surface.
The best thing I can do is go home and sleep. Was it worth going through all of this? I don’t know… I did access Paradise, but the angels were right: the trip wouldn’t come cheap.
So many things are going through my mind. Why can’t we all be infinitely happy all the time? I wanted to stay on that high forever, but the trip never lasts long, and I always have to come back to reality. I guess that’s what life is, a play of light and shadows, and there’s no escaping it. Without the shadows, how would I perceive distance, contrast, and dimension? The shadows are there to highlight the illuminated parts.
I remembered the wish I wrote on the little boat for Iemanjá. I asked her to help me be successful with my music. Now I understand that my wish was granted today. She helped my heart keep its rhythm. Only with its steady beat can the music of life be played and experienced. Thank you for this chance. Life is a great symphony, and the Universe is its instrument.
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